"Blaming oneself of loving is a stupid thing to do for LOVE is a great feeling God has ever made."
I was brought up by my parents to be a loving person by which they would say that loving doesn't mean that you'll expect someone to love you back, as long as you have shown them that you love them with no consequences, it is through them if they will repay you for your love. An extra bonus, a sense of fulfillment if they will truly pay you a compliment of loving.
They told me that loving is not learned in school, it is learned in how the family has brought up the term LOVE to their children. It is through proper upbringing that a person defines LOVE.
I grew up in a normal way, like all of us but the difference is, I love differently, not to the common norms of loving someone by being passionately drawn to the opposite sex but to the same like.
By then, I told myself that loving in my current state will be very difficult for no love would succeed and ever grow because of my being unique. I told myself that Love is just a game of the heart and mind. If you will use your heart, you're a loser and if you use your mind, you would be selfish to others. In other words, there is no sense and use of Loving.
And so I have fooled myself from my own definition, I have tried to alter the true and real meaning of Love. I lost! Love will always be matters of the heart, nothing more.I have seen a lot of heartaches and depressions, a lot of break ups and and break downs especially to our Gay world but people like me never loses hope. they say, "continue loving even if it hurts more, continue loving until it hurts no more." these are persons who take risks just so they can experience love despite future break ups. These are those who are not afraid to love.
I am not one of them but I tell you, I have loved, I have lost and I have cried, enough. I have played before. A game that I truly despise but nevertheless enjoyed. I was in love then, at my nature, we would talk every night in the phone or I would text him and check him out if he's okay. I would then say " I love you." term that i don't normally say. feeling blank, he would just giggle and laugh. And so, I say its ok, he will learn to love me back soon.
I continued getting him, possessing him or even drawing him to love me but I failed, He was happily playing at me. Cracking some jokes to laugh over my feelings. Spilling out all my thoughts and words as a source of a good laugh. That's where my perception all started. I will Love but i won't cry, I will play and take my sweet revenge. Without him knowing, I started my plot, loving him more and crying more.
But as time goes by, I became insensitive. 7 months of agony, pain and difficulties, a scenario that no normal people would do just so he'll love me. I even remember going to his place down south where he is studying just to personally say I love him even if I know that he will just laugh and curse me. Spent all of my savings to cover all of my expenses. I was playing a fool, a martyr but i was never wrong.
Time has passed and he was already in love. He would call me every night and text me if i'm all right. He even would go to my house just to pay me a visit and would not care to say I love you in front of many people or giving me a hug and embracing me just to show he cares. The problem was I have fallen out of love before he fell in love with me. All I care now is to make matters worse. I decided to break him up. The thing that he dared not to happen. I told him, "when I was loving you all that you have shown me is the feeling that I'm a loser, you never appreciated my feelings, you never appreciated my LOVE."
He thought that a straight guy like him will never be drawn to a person like me but he was wrong. He was after all in love to me and he can't hide the feelings. After all, Love doesn't mean you have to be straight and you have to love to the opposite sex. It is all around us. We exists too.
Regretful times had passed and I had overcome the pains and difficulties I've made because of a pesky revenge. Revenge that I realized did not help me at all to overcome my definition of LOVE; hence,I've made the greatest mistake. The mistakes that I will never do in the future. I left my hometown to discover new things & to reform myself fully as a person. I went far away from my loved ones & my friends hoping that as I search for finding true love, I would become a better person.
May 2005, I went to a place I can call home. Being with a new set of comrades new environments to adapt to, never in my entire life did I think that this is where I'm going to Love again. I'm a possessive person. What I want is what I get. That was before when I was still in my homeland. But everything changed; I became someone that I never was. Independent & Responsible. I learned to be self-sufficient to adjust to different personalities. I have never had tantrums or whatsoever as I can fully control myself now. In other words, I am renewed.
My sacrifices are really paying off. No more tears every night, no more misses & no more comparison as to whats the best place on earth, to be back home or to be in this new home of mine.
Now that I'm matured enough to handle myself well, I never thought that when it comes to love I will still have the same perception. I was wrong. Everything really changed so is my definition of Love. I then realized that what I did before was just LUST. Different to what I'm feeling now. I actually told myself before that I will never be in love again. I wanted to prioritize things first before I go ahead and indulge myself to euphoria of Love.
In this new home, I used to be a company to someone everyday, completely obliging to listen to whatever stories, sharing a good laugh at the end of the day just simply hanging out after a shift. Even if were already home, we would text & check out if were both okay, asking opinions or just simply sharing secrets.
Everyday, we would eagerly greet each other good morning or even argue where to find a comfortable place to seat for the day. Sometimes we would just hang around as the day passes by.
We were good friends then.
We are both open to each other.
I consider him best friend and tried to treasure the friendship we've established. Friendship that I won't dare destroy for the rest of my life for fear that I won't have such friend as good and as caring as him. To be honest, never in my entire life did I experience a friend who is like him for I was surrounded with girls and gays always. Because of him, I had an opportunity to know the world that I refused to accept from GOD.
As the day passes by, I start to long for him, start to think of him more than I think of my family, secretly giggle & smile in times that I'm with him. I start to realize that it is not anymore friendship that I'm feeling. I told myself that if I will continue to be with him, I am creating my own hole to bury myself soon, as much as possible I was trying to be discreet thinking that I can manage my feelings, but I was wrong.
No one can ever hide their feelings to yourself. If I did so, maybe I'm not sane now.
I confided my secret to someone hoping that he would never spill the milk but I was wrong. He was confidently pouring out my thoughts on him. I was devastated, astounded as to why & how. Their were so many questions in my mind, many anticipations & possibilities that might happen. But the very first thing that came to my mind is that there goes the friendship, even if we try to mend it, it will never bring back the times we had before.
Why do we need to love?
Why do our hearts beat for someone? Is it not because that man can easily love? What if its your best friend? What will you choose friendship or relationship?
Friends can be lovers but lovers can't be friends. I'd rather go, mend my broken heart and choose friendship even if it will be so difficult for I know that everywhere I go, at my nature, no one will ever had a chance to have a friend who's like him, someone who is so open with no hang ups, someone who you truly depend on, a nice person to laugh with or just simply being there ready to listen even if there is nothing but silence.
